Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor – heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand…
Ralphie: YECCHH!
If you’d like to rent/buy/watch this movie from Amazon, click on the movie poster below:
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Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
Mother: He does not!
Mr. Parker: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!
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Mother: [gets on the phone] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I’m fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
[Mrs. Schwartz’s speech is inaudible]
Mother: No, he said…
[whispers it close to the receiver]
Mrs. Schwartz: [in a hysterical tone] NO, NOT THAT!
Mother: Yes, that! Do you know where he heard it?
Mrs. Schwartz: Probably from his father.
Mother: No! He heard it from your son!
Mrs. Schwartz: [screams hysterically] WHAT! WHAT! WHAAAAAAT!
[footsteps are heard followed by screaming and spanking]
Schwartz: [crying] Ah, no! What did I do, Ma? What, I didn’t do nothing! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!
[Ralphie’s mom hangs up the phone]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone.
Ralphie: Oh ffffffffffuuuuuuuuudge!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn’t say “Fudge.” I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word!
Mr. Parker: [stunned] *What* did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um…
Mr. Parker: That’s… what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over – I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child’s play compared to what surely awaited me.
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I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.
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Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What’s a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out ‘football’.
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.
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A. War
B. Cave exploration
C. Extended deep-sea diving
D. Coal mining
“You can put your arms down when you get to school!”
[twitter-follow screen_name=’returntothe80s’ show_count=’yes’ text_color=’00ccff’]
A. War
B. Cave exploration
C. Extended deep-sea diving
D. Coal mining
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